I Don’t Want To Be A Good Person

I want to be myself.

For as long as I remember, I’ve had this obsession with being a good person. I don’t know where it started. I think back to when I was a child, five or six years old — for the most part, I did the right thing and I wasn’t mean to others. I’m not sure if it’s been instilled in me to ‘be a good person’ or if it’s some intrinsic desire that has followed me throughout my life.

If I can be honest, I am not really that good of a person.

People are always telling me how ‘zen’ and calm I am. Meanwhile, I am CONSTANTLY cursing people out in my mind or judging others for what I deem to be idiotic choices. I often avoid people so I don’t have to pretend to want to be in their presence.

I think of insults to say to people when I’m angry, I just don’t say them. I have selfish intentions often and I don’t really like going out of my way to make others happy.

I am not a good person.

I’ve been watching this show called In The Dark on Netflix. The main character is a blind woman named Murphy who was called “the worst person I’ve ever met” several times throughout the show. Every time someone calls her a terrible person, I reflect on it. I review her behavior and her patterns and try to connect that…